Emotions.
We all have them yet we seem to want to pretend they don’t exist when it comes to this lifestyle. It’s always fascinated me the lengths people will go to in order to avoid ‘catching feelings’ or having any emotions for the people they hookup with. I get it, it seems like a risky thing and I don’t discount that at all, but just because something is risky or uncomfortable doesn’t mean we should avoid it and/or vilify it. It means it’s worth looking at, talking about and figuring out our feelings around it.
I already know that I’m going to get a number of private messages from husbands that will be various levels of outrage with me because I dare suggest that emotions come into play in the hotwife lifestyle. Just to save us both time, don’t bother. I am completely okay with disagreeing with people. I also fully believe that every relationship is different and everyone’s hotwife journey is different and what I think and feel may not apply to you. That’s ok. I don’t need angry paragraphs from sexist psychos in order to understand that humans all have different opinions that come from our different experiences and circumstances. Now that that’s clear….emotions!
One of the most common ‘rules’ or boundaries that couples have is ‘no catching feelings’ and I get it and I had the same rule. The hotwife dynamic is about the married couple, it’s about our pleasure and strengthening our marriage through super fun sexy times and it’s not about having feelings for people outside of that. We all know that. We also all see the amount of posts from women who enjoy the lifestyle (or the idea of it) but aren’t into the casual hook up culture that’s out there. This is where a lot of couples get stuck and end up not being able to make this a reality. It’s actually quite easy to get past this though. The solution is communication and compromise. Now that’s on you and your spouse and I can’t do it for you but I can share my thoughts and feelings and maybe you’ll find something there that makes it easier for you to talk about it or understand a different perspective.
Emotions from a human level: It’s not easy to be a kind person and have a boundary around your kindness. I fully understand that it feels risky and oftentimes people say getting emotions involved is a recipe for disaster and while I don’t disagree, I think that’s only half the equation. Feelings and emotions are natural and normal and we all have them. It’s ignorant to think that humans can take part in any kind of social situation and not have feelings about it and the people involved. Emotions, by definition, a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others. When people say ‘no emotions’ they mean ‘don’t have any emotions that make me feel threatened or insecure. I get it, those are all uncomfortable feelings and we try our best to avoid them. The realization that you’re trying to control someone’s emotions to protect how you feel should make you pause and do a little self work but that’s not always the case.
When it comes to ‘catching feelings’ it’s gonna happen and it’s all in how you handle it. Now that many of you are properly worried I hope you pay attention. Feelings will happen, emotions will happen. It’s easier to expect it and figure out how to handle it before it happens than to be blindsided and hurt. Now, I’m not saying that every wife will fall head over heels just because she gets along well with someone or he’s slanging’ pipe, not at all. I am saying that in my life I feel a way about every person I know and your spouse probably does as well. Personally I hold great affection for many of the men I’ve had the pleasure of meeting in this lifestyle but I also feel great affection for the crossing guard who helped our kids cross the street and kept them safe. I adore my best friend’s husband and think he’s just such a smart, stand up guy and funny to boot. I love my best guy friend that I’ve known since I was in elementary school. If he needed an organ, he could count on me. My point is that there’s men in my life that I enjoy, admire, love, like, etc. I have so many lovely and positive emotions for these people, I would help them if they needed it, I worry about them when they struggle and I wish the best for them in life. I am not in love with them, I have no romantic feelings for them and I’m certainly not trying to run away with them. I can hold multiple emotions for multiple people and I’m sure you can as well. If you can and I can then let that also extend to your wife. She can hold multiple loving emotions for multiple people without it taking away from how she feels about you. Also loving someone, liking someone, caring about them and/or having a crush on them does not mean you are in love with the person or want a life with them. It’s possible to just vibe with people and care about them without it changing or escalating. If you can accept this I think you’ll feel far less threatened or insecure about your wife having feelings for other people.
If you’re early on in your journey and want to realistically feel out how you think this journey will go for you as far as ‘catching feelings’ goes, ladies, ask yourself this…
How are you with your current relationships?
If you had to break it down to percentages, how much of your energy do you give to friends, coworkers, family, etc. Do you rush to your friend’s side when they need you? Are you the friend people call when they need a shoulder to cry on? When they need solutions? My point is to ask yourself if you’re a giving friend who goes out of your way for the people you care about.
Do you think you’ll be any different to the people you’re sleeping with? How will you distinguish where those boundaries are? How would you break down the percentage of time and energy you’re giving (hypothetically).
Ask yourself what kinds of things you’re willing to do for people and why? For me I know I’ll go out of my way for people even if I don’t know them. My husband is the same. He’s known by everyone for his kindness and willingness to always help people. It’s one of the many things that I admire and love about him. I mean, what a beautiful thing to be open and willing to help just because. Now when it comes to being open I have to take into account that he will be no different with the women he meets. If someone’s car broke down, he would go and help. If he’s sleeping with them or not. I can’t be mad that he’s suddenly doing exactly what he always does. Now, some people will disagree and that’s ok, this is just how I feel and what works for us. I don’t want to stop him from being him because in some cases it could be a threat to me. I’m not comfortable with that as I feel it’s controlling. I know my husband is helpful so I expect he’ll help people. If your spouse is outgoing, kind, thoughtful, giving, or whatever it’ll help you to assume that they will be that way with the people they meet as well. Now I think it goes without saying that there’s still healthy boundaries within that. People typically give their immediate family and spouse the majority of that energy and then disperse the rest from there among friends, extended family, co-workers, acquaintances, etc . I think it’s fair to expect the same boundary and energy exchange. I don’t think that hook ups, boyfriends, thirds (whatever you call them) should be taking more time or energy than is given to your immediate family but I think it’s fair to put them in the category of a ‘friend’ where some time and energy is to be expected.
You should ask yourselves/each other?
Where in the friend hierarchy do you think Thirds should go? What boundaries would you have with them that are the same as your current friendships? What ways would your boundaries differ with Thirds? For lack of a better term, what are your love languages and do you express those with friends now and would you with the people you meet in this lifestyle?
Emotions from a sexual level: Now many many women prefer to have some connection with the people they have sex with. Of course not all women feel this way and some of us are fine with both. I’m down for random casual hook ups but I prefer a friend with benefits. Generally speaking sex is better with time and practice for everyone and women tend to take a little more figuring out (physically) so it makes sense that we prefer to meet up with the same partners multiple times. I hear from so many couples that have a one time only rule in order to avoid feelings but in my opinion you’re just avoiding great sex and increasing the workload of finding guys to sleep with. If you’re in this lifestyle because you love the idea of your wife having mind blowing sex and living out her best sexy slutty life than you should be in favor of doing the things that make that happen, even when that means meeting the same person so there’s some familiarity.
Emotions from a relationship level: I think it’s best to just expect and assume that some level of emotions will be present in your hotwife journey. I would even expect that the way those feelings will express themselves will be similar to how they do in other relationships. If your spouse is a big flirt, expect them to be an even bigger flirt. If they are big communicators and chat with friends all day, expect them to text and communicate with Thirds in a similar way. If they are the social butterfly of their group, expect them to plan lots of dates (maybe even want actual dates with dudes and not just sex). Of course this isn’t always the case and plenty of people and couples play in a way that goes against their personality and it still works for them. It didn’t work for me. What works for me is realizing that my personality is what it is and it colors how I do everything in life and hotwifing is no different. I adore collecting stories and getting to know new people. Random bits of trivia are my fave, I love to have spontaneous moments and nights, I like making decisions for myself on the fly, I like deep talk late at night and people with unconventional backgrounds. I like finding the perfect gift for a friend, I like giving people things that I’ve baked, I like being the person my friends call when they need advice. It’s not impossible to turn that off and show up and fuck but I don’t want to. I’d rather fuck people that know a tiny bit about me and want to fuck me. It’s often thrown out like women need a connection and men will fuck anything but that’s simply untrue. Some people want a connection, a friendship or a relationship and other people couldn’t care or actively avoid those things. Neither is right or wrong. It is a great indicator of how to best approach this lifestyle though so you aren’t shocked when your partner wants to meet a new face every weekend or your partner wants a long term lover all to themselves.
For the husbands: I know many men will still be hesitant to be okay with there being any level of actual friendship or feelings involved, and I kinda get it. Kinda. Another perspective to consider is that at the end of the day, its far safer to meet and have a friendship with a smaller number of Thirds than it is to find new people to fuck frequently. Again, not impossible but also less safe. You’re already asking your wife to engage in something that socially and physically is less safe for her. If she has needs, including emotional ones, then you need to either compromise or not engage in this lifestyle. Women are not property, we’re not sex dolls and we sure as hell aren’t enslaved people here to fulfill your every desire. We’re not a means to you getting off on the visual of us having sex with others. We’re whole individuals with our own wants and desires. When you’re coming up with what boundaries and rules you want for your hotwife journey make sure to check in and make sure you’re treating your spouse as a human person and not an object that you’re using to make your fantasy a reality. I’m not saying that you have to be okay with full blown romantic relationships outside of marriage but I am saying that there’s a lot of middleground there to explore, so explore it until you find the place where everyone is comfortable.
For the wives: If you’re considering this and you’re doing all the communicating with your spouse and typing to find the boundaries that work for you keep this in mind. It’s your body at the end of the day. It’s notches in your bedpost and not his so make sure to advocate for yourself. Doing so comes with the responsibility that you’re doing the most to be honest and upfront about what you need or may need. You may not know yet and that’s ok, ask those questions above and maybe that’ll help narrow down some answers. An important thing to keep in mind is that you’re doing something unconventional and most likely it’s because your husband thinks you’re the bee’s knees and rules and boundaries are a way to ensure that this risky fantasy doesn’t implode your relationship. Do everything you can to ensure that your spouse knows that won’t happen. It’s a vulnerable place to be in for him and it’s a big ask and he’s probably really putting himself out there by wanting to try this. Considering that so much content out there shows super hot, super hung, super fit studs rocking wives worlds, it makes sense that a lil insecurity might seep in and affect the way he feels and what boundaries he wants. It helps so much to be reassuring, to keep an open mind and to communicate in a positive way. It takes a lot to share this fantasy and even more to make it a reality and while a majority of the risk and nervous energy is on the wife’s side of things, remember that he’s probably on his own emotional roller coaster as well as can use your love and support as you both figure out this lifestyle.
Just as an example….
What works for us. I look for friends with benefits. I prefer people who I can have a conversation with before and after fucking. I don’t need common interests or social groups or anything, in fact I prefer to hear, see and learn all new shit when I hang out with people. I prefer to keep in touch, nothing too crazy but I think it’s nice to check in every so often (sometimes a few days or weeks) and to be checked in on. I don’t exchange gifts with lovers like I might with a friend but if I’m baking and have extra I don’t see it as ‘too much’ to bring some cookies over. I’ve given fwb’s housewarming gifts, good luck texts when they have interviews or whatever. If I see a concert or show they might be interested in I might pass along a link. If I had an extra ticket to something they were into I might offer up a ticket and make a night of it. I’m not waiting by the phone, I’m not investing hours a day or tons of energy but if I enjoy the person they’ll be in my mind as much as any other friend. I have people I plan to hook up with from Snapchat that see more of my day to day life so they know me pretty well, we chat daily or every few days and have gotten to know each other quite well, that’s cool with me too cause I prefer people who know me enough to give a shit and treat me well. My preferences are colored by both good and bad experiences though. I used to be far more open to meeting whoever and having one night stands. It was fun and I’m a big fan but after a bad date and a unwelcome helping of sexual assault I changed how I feel about the people I meet. When I do start looking again it’ll be for something that’s more long term, friendly and frequent. I prefer to actually have a friendship that includes some sexy benefits. I would like someone who’s open to hanging out outside of the bedroom and can get to know me as a whole person and not a random hookup who happens to be married. It’s different than before and it was an ongoing discussion because it’s far more non monogamy and even poly than strictly hotwife but it’s what makes me feel safest and my husband understands that my safety and comfort are key to actually having the hotwife thing be a reality. That’s just what I look for, it’s how we’re doing things and it’s not right or wrong but it shows that not everything is done by some ‘standard hotwife’ rule. Every couple should find what works for them and their own marriage while honoring the wants and desires of both people in the marriage.
Lastly, I said at the start that it’s all in how you deal with emotions more than the having of emotions so let’s tackle that. If you’ve already thought the thoughts and communicated the words you need to figure out how you’ll handle ‘catching feelings’. Again, that’s up to you. Many people will say full stop, no playing, ghost everyone and work on your marriage. I don’t completely disagree but it is a nuclear option. If you plan on pulling the full stop card every time a boundary is pushed against or broken, you’re gonna have an emotional time. Of course the devil is in the details so if your spouse comes to you and says “wow I’m really feeling a lot for this dude and I wasn’t expecting it” that’s a much different situation than your spouse lying and sneaking to see someone they’re falling for….right? You’d most likely handle those things differently and while I can’t tell you exactly how, I can give you some examples and you can talk together about how you feel and what you would want to do…
How do you feel about your partner wanting…..
Daily texting (outside of sexting and making plans)
To stay overnight?
To go on an actual date?
To spend several nights together?
Vacation together?
Give them a gift (birthday, holiday, whatever)
Buy or wear specific lingerie for a Third?
Be a support person: either in person or virtually (say 3rd gets a promotion, experiences a loss)
Pick them up if they had a flat tire
Include them in hobbies (shared or not)
Meet a Thirds friends?
You get the point and if you don’t, the point is communicate through what if’s so you aren’t taken by surprise when your wife had any level of ‘feelings’ for someone or even just assumes she might want to need those feelings in order to fuck someone.
TL;DR: People feel things for other people because it’s human to do so and it’s not a bad thing.
Emotions and feelings are layered and nuanced things and to paint them with a broad stroke of negativity won’t serve you in the long run, it’s better to communicate early and often and manage expectations than to ignore the possibility for some emotions to be involved in some way, shape or form.
